Beginning to recognise our addictions

“The beginning is always becoming consciously aware that this is happening through your emotions. So your emotion is anger, frustration, annoyance, deflation; all of those type of emotions. There’s an addiction not being met, straight away an addiction, I’ve got to write down the circumstances in which this happened. Today the circumstance that happened was that AJ told me a truth that made me feel like, “Oh I’ve got a lot of work to do. I would have liked him to tell me that actually in ten minutes time all of you are going to become at-one with God.” (Laughter) That sounds really good doesn’t it? “Woo that’s really cool!” But it’s not true, so that’s the problem with that kind of thing.

This is the trouble with what we’ve done; we’re so used to hearing sweet platitudes because of our addictions. We want to actually get somebody cheering us up because we want to avoid the emotion of how we really feel which is not that happy about ourselves really, and we need someone to cheer us up in order to make us feel happy about ourselves. And so all we’re doing is we’re avoiding how unhappy we feel about ourselves really in that moment. [00:55:26]

If I can allow myself to go, “Oh okay, right at that moment, AJ said that,” and to be frank with you it doesn’t even matter whether I lied to you or not. Now don’t go and quote that out of context, will you? Because what I’m saying is that although I want to tell you the truth, even if you’re lied to by somebody and it makes your energy go down, there’s an addiction in play inside of you. You don’t even need to worry about what the external environment is really doing to handle these things; all you need to do is feel your own emotional response to what the external environment is doing.That’s all you need to do and you’ll know straight away whether there is an addiction in play or not. You don’t even need to have someone come along and tell you anymore, all you do is feel your own emotion. [00:56:18]”

(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)


Physical Addictions are driven by unmet emotional addictions

“Every physical addiction can be thought of as when the emotional addiction does not get met. So the problem with most of us is that we are meeting our emotional addictions in much of our life, and because of that we have a less likelihood to have a physical addiction. So actually the people with physical addictions are just demonstrating that their emotional addictions are not even getting met. And, in reality, if a person has a physical addiction often they can more rapidly access the emotional addiction that is not being met more rapidly, because it is obvious to everyone around them that something’s wrong.

You see the problem for the majority of us is that if my emotional addictions get met by you, and your emotional addictions get met by me, we’re both happy. We don’t see that there’s a problem here. But when we look at a guy who’s bombed out on drugs for half of his life, we say, “Yep there’s a problem.” (Laughter) And yet I myself, I’m happy and so I think there’s no problem. But in reality the problem is that his emotional addiction isn’t getting met,that’s why he’s on these drugs; because he needs a physical way of getting out of these emotional addictions, and it’s quite obvious. But the problem for me is that I’m already getting my emotional addictions met and I’m quite happy with it, and that’s not obvious. Sometimes it’s actually harder for a person who’s getting their emotional addictions met and who feels quite happy in their life to progress spiritually towards God than it is for the person who’s down and out and has a lot of problems in their life getting these addictions met and quite often it’s not so obvious. [00:43:24]

In the first century, many of the people who followed us when we were travelling around talking to people, like we are doing with these groups, were actually people who had heavy physical addictions because they could see they had a problem. And many of the people who attacked us were the people who were in heavy denial of their emotional addictions, because they couldn’t even see they had a problem. And the trouble with emotional addiction is that often we don’t even see the problem that’s right there and we don’t see our rage and our anger and our hurt as proof that the addiction is present. We just don’t notice those things.

And if we’re in a very, very close co-dependent relationship with somebody, we can often avoid much of the rest of the pain because there’s seemingly so much joy in that relationship that we don’t even notice why that relationship was created. We feel this relationship is beautiful when in reality it is so co-dependent, and that it just makes both of us extremely happy because we’re getting our addictions met. So for most of us, our emotional addictions are getting met, so we don’t have to go to a physical addiction to detune from our life, to detune from the fact that things are not being met. We go to a physical addiction generally when the emotional addiction doesn’t get met and we don’t know how to meet it. Whatever that physical addiction is, it might be drugs, alcohol, it might be medicated prescription drugs, it might be pain killers, and it might be TV, videos, movies. It might be partying every night, having sex all the time. Not that there’s any trouble with having sex all the time or partying every night, but the issue is, are we using it as an addiction to suppress a causal emotion? That’s the issue.

So when the emotional addiction is met it doesn’t generally generate a physical addiction. When it’s not met then we get the additional layer of a physical addiction. The beauty of a physical addiction though is it is obvious usually to everyone around us and sometimes to ourselves, not all the time, but it’s obvious generally to everyone around us that we have a “problem”. But the issue with an emotional addiction is that it’s not obvious to anyone around us that we have a “problem”, except generally to God, and your relationship with God, because while you’re in emotional addictions you cannot get closer to God. Obviously these talks are all about being closer to God, and so we want to be able to learn how to deal with the addictions, learn how feel about them and do something with them, so let’s look at some of that. Now before we proceed, is everyone clear about the addictions, are there any questions you’d like to ask about them? [00:46:46]”


(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)

Self- Love

“So if you can, over the coming months, start looking at this issue of love of self in a much deeper way. The biggest hurt in the human race is this lack of love of self and this inability to even forgive yourself, let alone anyone else. And if you can allow yourself to work through that emotionally by feeling the emotions that you have about yourself, the shame you feel about yourself, the guilt you have towards yourself. All of these different emotions you have about yourself, the sadness that you have about yourself, how you haven’t realised your potential and how you feel about that inside of yourself. And if you forgive yourself for all of these things by feeling those emotions and releasing them and talking to God and feeling Divine Love flow through into you, what will happen is in the end you’ll not remember those emotions anymore. You’ll be able to remember every single thing, every single event in your life and you’ll not have any judgement of yourself about it. And you will not think, but you will feel that you are the same as every other person; you will actually feel that you are the same as the persons who are right now living up in the twenty second sphere state in an at-onement condition; you will feel that you’re equal to them. Imagine that. How many times today on earth do you feel you are not equal to somebody? Why do we glorify people on earth, why do we treat them differently? Because we feel we are not equal to them. Imagine if you released all of those emotions in yourself and forgave yourself for every single thing that you‘ve been ashamed about in your life, you’ll get to a point where you’ll actually now feel inside of yourself as an emotion that you are the same as anyone else.”

Addictions are an active blockage to our causal emotions

“Participant: So could there still be some childhood anger present though?

Oh certainly there can be. That’s why I said rare rather than non-existent. But in your processing work you need to get to a point where your anger is not even there in a real way, not that you’re intellectually getting out of your anger all the time, but in a real way the anger isn’t even present with you anymore. If your anger is present, you know that you’re in an addiction still; you’re in an addiction still when that anger is there. Remember I gave a talk “The Human Soul – Anger is your guide”, and your anger is a beautiful guide into what your demands and expectations that are unloving are all about. Your anger is all about that. So if you can allow yourself to feel your anger and be truthful about your anger and be truthful about what’s going on inside of you about it, and be truthful about hurt, because all hurt based emotions are angry in nature and they’re all projections on others, you’ll very rapidly see your own addictions. And when you see your own addictions, then you have a chance of releasing them emotionally.

When you release them emotionally the underlying causal emotion, which is just sitting there underneath this addiction, can now just naturally percolate up into your awareness. You’ll feel it and it will just naturally come up because there is no longer any blockage, there is no longer any passive blockage or active blockage that you have preventing it from coming to the surface. Addictions are an active blockage to your causal emotion. They are a blockage that we created because we badly want to not feel the causal emotion, so we are totally in activity with our addictions. We want these addictions to be met so that we can avoid the causal emotion. Now when you get rid of the addiction there’s now no longer the desire to avoid your causal emotion either. In that moment, whatever gets triggered just comes up, something gets triggered, comes up again and it gets triggered and comes up again until it’s no longer there and there’s nothing to prevent it from coming up anymore. It’s the addiction that suppresses it, keeps it down andunder control. [01:09:43]”

(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)

When we release the addictions the associated anger dissipates

“Mary: Can I say though that I don’t think I’m through that causal emotion about our safety, but I feel I have given up that addiction?

Yes. That’s one thing to bear in mind too, is that every addiction you give up, you’ll find the anger that goes along with it dissipates. That’s the beauty; you may not get to the causal emotion sometimes with these addictions, but from that point on, you will no longer have anger when your addiction isn’t met. Many of us have instant anger when our addiction doesn’t get met, instant hurt, instant resentment; all of those instant feelings that come up where we fire up,and those feelings are all about our addictions getting met. When you deal with the addiction and feel through it emotionally, you’ll get to the point where you still may have an underlying causal emotion you need to release, but the actual addiction itself won’t drive the anger. There’s no addiction anymore so therefore no angry response. Remember the addiction is there to mask the causal emotion, that’s the purpose of it, so when I’m prepared to acknowledge the addiction and feel it, now it’s not masking the causal emotion so now the causal emotion has a chance to actually come up and be felt. [01:05:11]

Mary: And now that safety emotion is far more present for me all of the time.

So now what happens is if I talk to a group of people who are angry, instead of Mary being angry with me, she is actually crying because these people are angry and she feels terrible about it. She’s now in the causal emotion because the actual addictive behaviour to get out of the causal emotion is no longer present.

Participant: So the anger can subside as soon as you identify the addiction?

No, you have to feel your way through the addiction and the anger will subside. It’s very rare for you to notice it intellectually and the anger subsides. You’ll find that the anger will keep coming up, keep coming up, and keep coming up until you feel the reason why the addiction was created. “I’m not getting what I want here.” When you feel your way through that and release that and cry about that, then the addiction is gone. It’s like the addiction disappears. It’s like it just goes into nothing and from that moment on, now the causal emotion is there, ready to be felt at any time, any time it’s triggered and you won’t have an addictive response to it. [01:06:23]

And that’s the beauty of doing it too; you actually get out of anger, you have very little anger. After you deal with these addictions, you’ll find you’ll have very little anger in any of your processing. So if there’s still anger in your processing, you know there’s a lot of addictions in place still. When you get to a place where you’ve dealt with a lot of the addictions, the anger itself often is completely gone out of all of your processing. So now, even though Mary still has the emotion where she’s afraid for our lives at times with different interactions that are happening with us and the different feelings that people project at us and she’s still afraid of that, she’s now not angry with me or with the people doing it anymore.”

(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)

Many addictions are due to false beliefs rather than causal emotions

“Mary: For me, I’ve had many addictions that were not based on causal emotions. I had to really desire to see the truth of what was occurring also. I see many people with addictions trying to, for example, process that their mother didn’t love them, when the truth may be that their father just had an arrogant viewpoint to women and that is actually the false belief that needs to be released. So very often with addictions there is a causal pain, but sometimes there’s not a causal pain, there’s just a false belief that was created within us that is an error. If you think about it, all of our causal pain is just an error that we are releasing; it’s an erroneous emotion that we believe to be the truth.

Mary: I’m bringing this up because I know AJ has had more addictions based on causal grief, but my addictions have actually been more in both camps. Some of them were based around feeling that if a man loves me he will do certain things for me, and that came from error in my relationship with my dad that wasn’t related to him not doing things for me, it was related to him doing lots of things for me. So does everyone understand that distinction that I’m making there? I had to really pray about seeing the truth of what was happening in these interactions.

What Mary is bringing up is important in that many of our addiction were created in us because we became spoilt children where we had our mother or our father doing all sorts of things for us. Eventually we learnt how to manipulate them into doing it and how to control them to do it because of their own emotional injuries. And we’ve grown up with these expectations that are all unloving and we need to give them up. [00:55:53]

Mary: Also if we’ve grown up in an environment that has a lot of prejudice within it, we can take that on as truth. It’s an error that we believe is truth. So men are better than women. Black people are worse than white people. They’re all error-based beliefs that create addictions that we have to release, and the pain is like the three year old who realises he can’t have the lolly. They are experiencing the pain right here and now and we realise “Oh gee, women aren’t better than men. That hurts, now I’ve got to feel we’re equals”, so I have to feel that now.

17.3.1. An example of a man expecting a woman to cook dinner every night (continued)

So in the scenario that I was giving you earlier, I could be sitting there feeling, “Actually I expect that a woman puts dinner on my table under any circumstance.” That finishes up being what I’m feeling, and it’s a demand. I demand that you’re a woman, and that’s your job, you’ve got to do that, and that’s what I feel. Now, how would that addiction have been created? Well, it got created, by mum putting dinner on my table every single day and every single night up until I was eighteen years of age when I left home and I’m a male. I never saw dad do it and I never had to do it for myself.

So how do I give up that addiction? Firstly by feeling the anger of the addiction itself; there’s a lot of rage and expectation in it, and then going in and realising that actually I’m the one out of line here. I’m the one with the unloving expectation and addiction. And what do I feel about that? Right in this instant I feel, “You’re unloving to me,you don’t put dinner on my table, and you’re unloving to me.” That’s how it is right now. That’s what I feel and I may be completely wrong, but I need to feel that, I need to really feel that and connect with that emotionally. [00:58:07]

Mary: And the reason I bring that up is because I feel that’s the pain that people resist the most because in the
interaction you have to go and cry. Because what has happened is there has been an error about love that has entered you when you’re young, and you do have to go and cry about feeling like I’m not being loved even though the truth is you could very well be being loved in that interaction.

Yeah. So, as another example, you’ve taught your child that every time you go shopping and you’re going to go past the lolly aisle you’ll pick a lolly out for it. And then this time the child doesn’t get the lolly what does the child do? Goes “Argh!” (AJ yells and throws himself on the floor) and then the child stands back up and looks to see if anyone’s noticing (Laughter). And then if no one’s noticing it goes back down and does a bit more generally, and that’s what we often do. That’s often our rage. Our rage is often this place where we will be in this place where we’re really trying to force the other person in to what we believe they should do even though it’s totally unloving and it’s an addiction. And so what Mary’s brought up is very important in this process like to be completely truthful about how you feel means I feel like actually, “Come to think of it, you’re a woman and you should be making my dinner.” [00:59:30]

Mary: And I’ve found for me that those kinds of truths are hard to face sometimes
Yeah and then I need to go into it. “Alright the truth is that a woman doesn’t have to make my dinner. Actually, the truth is actually that no one has to make my dinner. In fact no one but myself is responsible for my dinner, and the trouble is that I’ve had a mum who for eighteen years has taught me that a woman is responsible for my dinner.”

So, you mothers out there who’ve got younger men, children, boys and girls; stop making them dinner. Teach them how to make their own dinner. You’re teaching them some stuff and they’re going to become very obnoxious when they get with their woman, or whoever they’re going to finish up with, thinking that the woman should have to make dinner for the rest of her life. How many of you ladies have made dinner so much that you’re now sick to death of even looking at making dinner? Yeah, totally sick to death of it. You’d rather not make a meal for the next twenty years and somebody else have to do it. And this emotion in you came from an expectation of your childhood and an expectation about love and that emotion in you also has created an expectation in the people around you to make dinner for them.These are all emotions that need to be addressed.So in that particular issue, if we completely feel how we feel, you’ll be surprised sometimes where it goes. Mary said it may go into this place where you actually realise that actually your expectations are so totally unloving and off the ball and you’ve got to do something about them. Or it may take you into this real child like place of what’s happening, or it may take you into this real tantrum place that you need to work your way through to get into the child like place. Or it may take you into this real tantrum like place where you realise actually that it’s got nothing to do with the dinner and got everything to do with your whole life and how hard it feels. You might go into that place. Either way you’ll need to make some choices and decisions to change your life obviously. [01:01:50]”


(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)

Processing Addictions Tool 5: Be completely truthful about how we feel in the situation

“So in the situation I need to be completely truthful. I just slump down on the lounge, and I just exhale. Just imagine yourself in the situation where someone’s just been unloving to yourself for a moment, where you didn’t get what you wanted from them; that’s what you feel. So you breathe. Close your eyes for a moment maybe and you breathe. Start voicing out loud about how you’re feeling. “I’m feeling really upset actually.” You start describing how you’re feeling.Now if your partner is used to dealing with emotions, your partner will be very used to you doing this and you’ll be used to her doing it too. If you’re not used to dealing with emotions then just inform your partner beforehand that this is the kind of thing you’re going to do instead of yelling and screaming at them. I’m sure they’ll be impressed.(Laughter)
So what you do instead is you allow yourself to breathe and feel, and start describing to yourself, but out loud. There’s a real power in doing it out loud because when you’re doing it in your head you’re not always connecting to the emotion of it. When you’re doing it out loud, you’re starting to really let yourself feel the emotion. So you’re closing your eyes so you’re not distracted by everything going on around you and you’re starting to feel your emotions. Your partner can be there or not, but it’d be lovely for them to be there because there generally will be something in this for them as well because everyone’s Law of Attraction generally finishes up triggering another person, and if both people are open enough you can deal with a lot of things emotionally. [00:51:29]
When Mary and I are going through things, the other person is generally just sitting there listening to what we’re going through, not projecting at us to do it or anything like that, but just allowing us to voice what’s going on. “Actually I feel really upset and angry.” You allow yourself to shake and feel the anger that you feel. “I feel really angry and frustrated and it’s about coming home to no dinner.” So you feel really angry and then you’ll start very rapidly generally feeling that anger and connecting to what it’s about; it’s about the fact that there’s no dinner on the table, and you can ask yourself that question, what does that feel like?
“Well I’ve been working all day and you haven’t been working all day. I’m working for us and we have to pay the
bills.” So in the end, you know what you might get to? That you actually don’t like your job. You might even get to
that. It might be something completely unrelated to what you thought it was going to be related to, and that you’re just sick and tired of working in this job. You’re so distressed about the fact that you haven’t got a job you love that by the time you come home you just feel physically exhausted with the distress of not having a job you love. It might be just that simple and that emotion comes up. If you allow yourself to connect to it and allow yourself to breathe, allow yourself to feel it in the situation, you’ll get to a point if you do that all the time where you start feeling the emotion, but it’s about being truthful. This is not about being in an angry space yelling at somebody; it’s about being truthful with what’s going on inside of yourself. [00:53:14]”

(The Human Soul: Processing Addictions)